All my life I have said: “I do not want children”. I never felt like “a mother”, and I did not want my children to experience the same grief as I did. One day I looked at my ex-boyfriend at McDonalds and told him I felt like I was pregnant. I cannot tell you why because no weird things happened to my body, but it was like I just knew.
With trembling knees, I went to my mother to tell her my suspicions and together we did a pregnancy test. We did not even have to wait for the result because the stick was just bright pink in a second, and I was as pregnant as I could be. My mother looked shocked and said, “NOT YOU! Anyone but YOU!” I did not know what to feel and the only thoughts that went through my mind were “I am pregnant”.
Then we had to tell my father. When we told him he sat quietly and said nothing. Just to get someone to talk and because I felt that I was not good enough to be a mother, I suggested, “Either you adopt my child, or I have an abortion.” My father, who had always wanted to be a grandfather, looked at me even more confused as he already was: “No, you are not going to have an abortion.” When I heard that I could not believe my ears, I still had the feeling that I did not want the child.
The days after I told my parents I could not think about anything else then “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t”. I had no house, no income, I was only 20, my boyfriend did not want the child either and had no interest in children or whatsoever during all my life. They just did nothing for me. In addition, I was really someone who came home with the craziest problems. How could I take care of a child? I was not made to give birth to a child, let alone raise a child.
Like any procedure, I reported my pregnancy to the doctor and had an appointment at the hospital. To have an abortion, you will first need to know whether your baby is really in your belly, therefore you need an ultrasound. So, I went to the hospital. They took me to a large room and dimmed the light. Because it was so early in the pregnancy, they had to make an internal ultrasound. I felt so uncomfortable with my pants off and my legs wide. But okay, it was for a good cause. There was a gigantic television in the top corner, no idea what it was for, but I soon found out. After the lovely lady pushed that giant thing into my vagina and pushed and twisted it, she turned the light off and with the light turned off the television turned on and I heard a heart beating through the speakers in every corner of the room, as if I were in the cinema. The nurse spoke very softly, almost whispered, into my ear: “You see that little circle that moves? That is the heart of your child”. I burst into tears; I fell in love with my baby immediately. My baby. My unconditional love. I was overwhelmed with so much love, I was speechless.
From that moment on my daughter, now 9 years old, and I were inseparable. My ex-boyfriend left me right after the ultrasound, but none of that mattered to me anymore. The child had become my child, my world for which I would give my own life. I felt an indescribable love that no one could ever give me.
Even now when I think about that moment, tears come to my eyes, so moving and deep. I will never forget this moment in my life. And you know: Together with my daughter we made it. Sure, even after her birth the road was exceedingly difficult and I went through hell on earth because of her premature birth (a story for the next time), but it was all worth it. And sometimes I still think what life without children would have been like or I wonder what I got myself into. But don’t every mother experience these feeling in some moment in their lives?
by Kim Thieme