I start where I am now. Wherever I go I will create a peaceful, loving and joyful environment. I know that sometimes I have my moments of weakness and then they are there: my loving and supportive strong girlfriend who literally has become my anchor point (When I’m all over the place myself, she is always the one to get me back on my two feet) and her two children who cheer me up by just being themselves. I work in education and most of the time I want to provide not only theory in my classes but also life lessons of some sort. I often get the impression that students like to hear about the failures of my life. I wish them a lot of failure too – in education failure should become an option again. I am enjoying and appreciating my current life situation very much for since my father passed away I came to the understanding that time is precious. My situation has not always been so peaceful, loving and joyful. It was unsafe, insecure and unhealthy for quite a while. Let me go back to my childhood.
When I was only 6 months of age, I was adopted by my Dutch parents. I landed in a family where I had an older brother who was, like me, adopted too. Coming from Latino America to the cold and distant Dutch society was quite harsh. I missed the warm cuddling arms of a mother, and I felt I should become a model child because otherwise my new parents would hand me over to another family. I was not myself. I was the version of what I thought my parents wanted me to be. From the inside I felt empty and lonely, worth nothing, from the outside I was this happy curious intelligent kid. My also-adopted-brother (I guess) had similar feelings of emptiness and at an older age he explained to me that he missed the affection of a mother so much that he searched for affection in other ‘wrong’ ways. This lack of motherhood affection manifested in weird sexual cravings.
I was only 8 years old when it started and “no don’t tell mam and dad about what just happened okay?” “okay.” I was too young to understand that what happened was not childlike curiosity, but full-frontal abuse. From the more innocent actions it became more harsh and dirty and even so far I ended up in crazy places where he left me to do – and undergo – horrible things. It continued for years. Firstly I liked the pleasant feelings, later on I felt like a commodity – a thing. He even convinced me to seduce some of my friends in the same trap. With my help he also abused some of my friends. At home it clearly was very unsafe I felt very insecure and my self-esteem was at an all-time low . Many years later the mental suffering about my adoption and what happened my brother became too big to deal with on my own.
I visited a great therapist and he helped me telling my parents about the big secret of my younger years. My father was very supportive and I was very happy he stood up for me. But in the main time my brother had chosen a different route. From drug abuse, alcohol addiction, criminal activities, jail time, and detox he moved to the other side of the country to start a new life and deal with all the things he had done in the past.
My parents wanted to protect him from himself and the stand up for his wrong doing ended abruptly. Again, I felt alone, sad, empty, and misunderstood . Time passed by and I started searching for my roots in Latino America I found my biological family. When I visited them, my biological mother rejected me again, but I was very happy with all the other family members who up till this day are there for support, love and joy. It took me two years to recover from that, and I am very much aware that at that time, I couldn’t be the boyfriend my ex-girlfriend wanted me to be. Besides my father got sick and I still suffered from what happened in the past with my brother.
Then, I found myself sooo lucky! I can’t even describe the luckiness I felt at that time. I finished a 2 masters degrees and already had some years of working experience when I bumped right into the girl I thought was my high school all time beauty. And I went on a date with her. And another one. And another one. Never did I fall so deeply in love. And she was perfect. She bombarded me with compliments and with some sense of belonging and the intimacy between us went through the roof! She did all that. Looking back I believe she did all that on purpose. After a while – a year or so – I started to feel more and more uncomfortable. It started with subtle manipulations. She was so shy and insecure and all that. So I should give up most of my friends. Why? Because they were no good for me and she felt bad in their presence. I loved her so much, so I let it all happen. But soon the subtle manipulations turned into maniac rages and physical and mental destruction. I found myself in a power struggle of isolation, control, submission and domination. Finally I found out (again) that sex can be destructive. In our relationship it was used as a weapon, I became an addict and when things got rough, she withheld everything from me leaving me empty and alone. The attraction, detraction, manipulation and destruction continued. Once she said she could definitely understand my biological mother for giving me up for I was the devil myself. And things like “you are not Latino but neither are you European. Actually, you are nobody, you are nothing”… She even argued that I was gay for all that what happened to me. I probably had asked for it. The way I looked the way I walked… it was my own fault. Sometimes at a fight she called the police and threatened to complain about domestic violence. She send her monkeys at me. Her mother and her sister. Even her brother in law . During all these events I was fighting very hard. For recognition, I wanted to be seen and accepted for who I was. I had a lot of therapy and I could convince myself that I was working on myself to become myself again. But I was searching for justification and understanding without actually looking at the problem at hand: I was of more value and the more I valued myself the better things were going.
Instead of going to therapy to justify I was a good guy I didn’t need the therapy or a girlfriend to fix my void of self-esteem. Something broke inside. I surrendered to myself and came to the conclusion that I, only I, could take responsibility for my own life . And then I reached the point I couldn’t find the energy to fight anymore. It came exactly at the time my father passed away. And I told her. I can’t hold up any longer. I’m sorry but I’m getting depressed. She found out that she could no longer absorb the energy out of me and she disappeared. She blocked me no all places, she moved to her mother’s house and sent her sister and brother in law to push me over the edge. The students didn’t notice, my family didn’t notice, my colleagues didn’t notice, my friends didn’t notice.
But my current girlfriend (current – that’s sounds really stupid!) saw and understood. We helped each other to find closure . And now I’m here. Most amazing relationship, safe environment and loads of love, peace and joy. I’m valued very highly by my girl which I love and appreciate so much! She went through a lot of things too. We both understand life is too short to run around in circles, take responsibility and make the best of it. Most worthy: her 2 little boys give me a strong reason to move on and make the most of every day! Celebrate life. Know you are not alone, I believe we can learn from it, grow from it and overcome the heaviest obstacles and achieve our biggest mission.
- by anonymous